Happy Hump Day, what what! I still only think of Hump Day as a day to fuck.. not half way through the week day. It’s just not as fun that way.
I realize this isn’t very special, but I work in an office. Oh yes, “Office Space”, “The Office” type environment. We have the usual suspects..
- “Loud Girl” – That bitch that does everything at an 8, when it can clearly be done at a 3, but dammit LOOK AT HER! That’s clearly all she wants. And I hate her. She talks loud, she chews loud, she types loud, she breathes loud.. omg. It’s like Godzilla climbed his ass into your office and sat down next to you, and you’re just supposed to get work done, stay focused! Riiight. With all those air planes and police sirens, so easy..
- “Gross Guy” – The guy that takes his shoes off at his desk, chews like a Neanderthal, drinks about 3-4 cans of Coke A DAY (loud slurping noises to accompany this gross habit), eats MEALS at his desk, not snacks or a light lunch, LIKE FUCKING MEALS (steak, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob.. for real), and always insists YOUR perfume is strong. Hey, I spray it on thick cause ya ass is stinky.
- “Know-It-All” – Guy or girl, walking encyclopedia.. or so they believe. I loathe these people. They don’t listen, unless it’s to their own voice yammering on about God knows what. They are CONSTANTLY condescending.. “Really Susan? Is that really where you save your documents on the server? Because they really should go in the E:, folder marked ‘Important’, because it IS important, ok.” Those are the people you mentally punch in the face like you are Conor McGregor fighting for the title.
- “Gossip Queen” – You know her.. we all know her. Her sentences always start with “OMG.. so did you hear..”. Her eyes and eyebrows are always doing their own thing.. up and down, wide and squinty, as she tells the latest and greatest secrets of your poor coworkers lives. You always tell yourself you are NOT a gossiper, but here you are.. hunched over by the water cooler, listening to her verbally destroy Jim’s life all over again as she details his recent divorce from his cheating, scandalous wife. You leave feeling terrible, disgusted with yourself.. and each day go crawling back for more.
- “Health-Nut Guy” – He works out EVERYDAY, and makes sure that you and the ENTIRE universe knows it. He’s the guy that scolds you on a Friday morning when you bring some BK breakfast in to the office, because you went out for Thirsty Thursday and apparently were a little too thirsty last night. You already feel bad enough, but here you are.. being shamed by this beef cake with his green smoothie. Is it a crime to nurse a solid hangover with a croissant-wich and some hash brown crowns Thad?! I’m just trying to make it to lunch so I can take a good 45 minute nap in my car, ok! And you know what Thad? I am officially pulling out of the weight-loss challenge you set up for the office, because GOD DAMMIT, 2 challenges a year is 2 challenges too much Thad.. you need to dial it back. Good day, sir!
- “The Funny Guy” – Thank the lord for the funny guy. He’s one to count one.. one to be praised.. to be remembered for generations. He should always have his own office and a fucking medal and/or trophy (trophy just seems more appropriate, huh?). You can count on him to lighten up meetings, conference calls and more importantly, the group lunches. He’s quick, he’s witty, and he never disappoints. He is a work office God.. let’s bow our heads and say a prayer.
- “The Flirt” – Always a guy and a girl, never the same circumstances. Guys always oogle the Flirty Girl.. Girls always avoid Flirty Guy like the plague. Flirty Girl wears shorts skirts, tight shirts, high heels and bright colored lipstick. Always tossing her hair around, biting her pen.. making these idiot oafs we work with turn into clay. Meanwhile, is loserville.. Flirty Guy always saunters over to your desk, leans an arm on your chair, bending down extremely too close to you, and says some borderline sexual harassment line like “Man, thought I was gonna catch ya watching porn.. so which is your favorite?” or “So when you gonna dump that loser boyfriend of yours and take me out on a date? I really like tacos, so just a hint ::wink wink::”. Ew. Gross. Why can’t the Guy Flirt actually be a guy we want flirting with us?! You know, that cute boy down in shipping.. the tall, dark and handsome production manager.. why God, why?
Anywho.. I am still amazed at my reaction to what goes on in the day-to-day of this office. These same characters doing their same stuff.. day in and day out. You’d think you start to find them a little more charming, like a family. Nope! I continue to find them extremely annoying. Almost to the point where you wake up Friday morning (sans hangover today, you learned from last week), and tell yourself..
“This is the day.. I’m going to quit. I’m going to fucking do it. I’ll go work for my aunt like my mom has been gripping about, and I’ll fucking be happy!!! I’m going to tell Loud Girl to SHUT THE FUCK UP!.. give Gross Guy a gift basket with clean socks, deodorant and travel size axe spray.. break the news to Know-it-All that she was adopted, cause bitch guess you don’t know everything do you?!?!.. tell Gossip Girl that I know about her bleached asshole, because I bribed the receptionist when I saw her coming out of the clinic the same time I was going in for laser hair removal. And that she better zip her albino orangutan asshole lip, cause I have secrets too! xoxo.. Make a ‘green’ smoothie for Health-Nut Guy, but use ::gasp:: regular yogurt instead of greek!! AHHHH!!!! And never tell him.. Beg Funny Guy to come with me.. and lastly, give Flirty Guy my number (but actually it’s my single, cat-lady aunt’s number) and to ONLY text me, cause I’m a millennial like that. It’s going to be epic”
But then I don’t.. and I just go to work and deal with the BS.. anticipating the return of the weekend so I can get drunk and dance my sorrows away to some Justin Bieber, cause dammit that boy has some catchy tunes.
One of these days, I’m going to retire.. and it’s going to be amazing!! For a week or two.. then I’ll miss all of their crazy, psychotic asses and wish and hope to go back. Moral of the story.. learn to adapt to people, and if all else fails, kill those bitches with kindness, because if there is one thing I have learned about being a nice girl.. when someone hates you, they REALLY hate when you’re nice to them, it only pisses them off more. So smile big today, maybe even wink at the haters, your choice!